Set 1 - Quarter 3

The Ex Factor

Hello from the GenZ representative of SapphicSavvy! Our usual head of these posts was out sick this weekend (there’s something going around LA rn), so y’all are stuck with me for today. Let’s get into it.

We tackled some classic stereotypes this week, which is great for us but we know it was hard for you! We also saw our largest user base yet this past quarter, and remember: the more users there are, the more accurate we get (and you get more points if you refer other sapphics!). We have one more quarter before next month’s set starts and we pay winners $500, so, you know, lock in.

Sexy Statistics

Roses and thorns: we’ll start with where we were accurate. Most age and sexual identity groups were more or less on point when it came to guessing about having sex with both men and women. Lesbians were spot on, with an average guess of 54% and an average of 53%. Bisexual and queer sapphics underestimated a little more, but y’all had the spirit.

We did see higher rates of reporting sex with both men and women in both queer and older age groups. I want to take a sec and say that I am spitballing here. But, in talking to a couple friends about this, we seemed to come to some similar conclusions. Firstly, the wonderful flexibility of the queer label might be a big part of this result. We as humans have a love/hate relationship with The Box and how we decide what goes into it, but human experience obviously isn’t very box-shaped in reality. Deciding on a label is a deeply personal experience, and from what I’ve seen in recent years, the reclaiming of the term queer has been very freeing for large groups of people. There aren’t as many rigid expectations when it comes to the people you have sex with when adopting a queer label, and as such the word queer can more deeply reflect the fluid nature of sexuality. It makes sense then that we might see queer people reporting higher rates of sex with men and women than lesbians, who have chosen the label that best fits their own experience as well!

As for the age difference, time seems to be of the essence. Not only does more time existing in the world allow you to have more experiences, but times change as well, meaning that societal expectations fluctuate to match current social thought. There is a lot more acceptance of LGBTQ+ communities now (though much more still to go!) than there was in the past, and this may mean lower levels of heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality (click to learn more about these concepts). With increased acceptance of WLW, there might be fewer young people who feel the need to seem straight and more who consider whether or not they might be gay at a younger age, leading to our results: users in their Late Teens to 20s were the least likely to report having sex with both men and women.

Important to note though that we had other opinions internally about why this might be the case, with another hypothesis being that the pandemic and rise of online interaction has led to fewer opportunities for in-person dating (and therefore less opportunity for hooking up). This does also have a ring of truth to it, as young people across the board are reporting having less sex than ever before. Whether it’s technology or those middle school sex-ed classes that’s to blame, who can say.

Not Meeting EX-pectations

Now for our thorn. Forgive us, Sappho, for we have sinned. We were a little messy across the board. Everyone (by all sexual identity and age groups) contacted an average of 1 ex this summer.

So was it the second season queer ultimatum coming out that you HAD to talk to them about? Is this a recession indicator? Was the sex REALLY that good that you’re continuing to lower your expectations to see if they’re The One? WHAT WAS THE REASON??

Me personally, I cannot imagine further contact with an ex going well (could you tell?) but I guess that isn’t to say that it can’t. I’ve known multiple sapphics who still have contact with their first gf/an emotional support gf, and they seem reasonably well adjusted.

What was interesting with these results was how the average guess was usually double the actual answer. Granted, it’s a difference between 1 and 2, but stick with me here. There are plenty of jokes about WLW remaining friends with (or even still living with) exes and having overlap with an ex’s ex and so on and so forth. There’s also plenty of anecdotal stories about why it’s sometimes necessary to get on friendly terms with an ex due to how tightly connected sapphic circles tend to be. Afterall, it’s a common stereotype, so the fact that everyone across sexual identity/age groups showed similar averages isn’t surprising. In fact, when we ran deeper analyses, there were no statistically significant effects across sexual identity groups. There were, however, differences by age.

Users who are 40+ years old reported the highest average. This one makes some amount of sense to me, as over the years, contacting an ex (or having stayed friends in the first place) can be a sign of healthy communication, lasting friendship, and a focus on harmony within tightly knit groups. This is similar to what many people online have to say (see links at the bottom of the page for more info).

On the flip side, users in their Late Teens to 20s reported the lowest average of contacting an ex compared to both users in their 30s and users 40+ (and this was statistically significant).

So, what made younger people so unlikely to contact an ex? There’s likely many reasons for this, but I would think that the main two are due to not enough time and not as much need. I think it is reasonable to say that when going through a breakup, both parties need some amount of time and space away before a friendship is possible. It follows that, as young people, we likely have fewer exes that we are friends with because the minimum healing time might still be going. I think it is also reasonable to say that you’re not going to be friends with every ex that you have, and time once again comes back to bite here for younger people. We have trends of dating less and dating later than other generations, so there’s less opportunities for potential friendships to blossom at our ripe age. But they will come eventually. Or maybe not. That’s honestly fine too.

That leads us to my other hypothesis: within a more deeply interconnected world, the need for harmony in a small, tightly knit community—one of the main reasons cited for being friends with exes—feels less urgent. Or at least to me it does. And I don’t personally think that is such a bad thing. We are able to interact with so many other new people than anyone has had the opportunity to do so in history. Broadening our social circles is, in many ways, very adaptive and eye-opening, and has a wonderful ability to increase empathy and interconnectedness across geographical regions, where we may only interact with others within a more homogenous setting (the beauty of intersectionality!). I’m not saying that there isn’t value in repair, there is definitely something to be said of the strength and healthy attitudes that are necessary in overcoming differences to be functional and friendly with an ex. However, I think it can so often come at the expense of safety and excess hardship, especially if the breakup was messy. Being on the level of friendly and consistent contact with an ex is different from being on a I-won’t-glare-you-down-from-the-other-side-of-the-bar level of healthy healing. And, ultimately, just because you and your ex are friendly doesn’t mean it’s healthy!

Anyways! Thanks for reading my ramblings in the absence of our regularly scheduled programming! I had fun.

See y’all later in the app! Feel free to check out these additional readings below:

Long Distance Relationships:

Having Sex with Both Men and Women:

Being Confused for Sisters with a GF:

Contacting an Ex This Summer (you would want more info on this huh):

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